Thursday, July 28, 2011

CONVERSATIONS WITH SCOTT... "We should spend less money."

You know how you can be going along enjoying your summer, going on vacations, enjoying patio dining at restaurants, buying cute summer clothes, dropping your computer and anteing up to get it fixed, treating yourself to Pinkberry perhaps too frequently and then you sit down to pay bills only to discover you've spent all your money and then some? Shit! 

I pay the bills because I care about if the bank statement and my spreadsheet match up to the penny whereas Scott is good if the two are relatively close. It's silly for us to both spend our time on the banking, I do it and Scott mostly doesn't want to know the details. But then there are the times when I pay the bills and get grumpy and my bad mood affects the mood of the house and that he cares about. Then we have a conversation that goes something like this:

Scott: "What's with you?"

Me: "We were supposed to be rich when we didn't have to pay for preschool anymore. It's been 2 months and not only are we not rich, I can't find any extra money!"

Scott: "Where is all the money going?"

Me: "Vacations, the Arkansas trip, the kids' activities- they better get good enough at something to get a scholarship,... "

Scott: (interrupting me) "I'm going to teach the 5 y/o to dunk!" (there is a commercial about a dad teaching his young kid to dunk so the kid can get a scholarship. If you haven't seen it, it's funny and it's Scott's new go to line.)

Me: " iPad, fixing the computer screen, restaurants, food, clothes, did I mention the kids' activities? If they stopped doing stuff for a year we could go on an awesome vacation, but that probably hurts the scholarship chances."

Scott"I'm going to teach the 5 y/o to dunk!" 

Me: (sigh)

Scott: "We should spend less money."

Me: "We could stop drinking a bottle of wine a night."

Scott: "Let's not get crazy."

So, yeah, the obvious solution is to rein in the spending. My 3 go to things for decreased spending are:

1. Cut out the restaurants. 

We don't go to restaurants that often, but dining out does add up. Gone. Easy. (Except for my Pinkberry habit. I'm cutting it out, but that ain't easy!)

2. Stay the hell away from Costco. 

If must go, stick to the list!!! Not so easy.

3. Stay the hell away from Target. 

If must go, stick to the list!!! Damn near impossible.

Well, Danger Danger Will Robinson, I needed to go to both Costco and Target yesterday. I had an item to return at Costco. I walked in, went to the returns, got my cash and left. Success! It's like I made money, because the original expenditure was over a month ago and the money was long gone. I had 4 items on my Target list. I went in, I put the 4 items in the basket, I resisted the urge to peruse the store despite the fact that I was sans children, I checked out for a total of $30ish. Success!

I was totally exhausted after those 2 stops. It took A LOT of will power to be so reined in. But, I was also quite proud and impressed with my bad self. Just a few more days or weeks or months of my savings plan and I am sure to feel flush except that the kids need back to school supplies, new sports gear, new cool weather clothes (hopefully the warm weather will last for awhile), Scott's car might disintegrate any day, then there's Xmas (the grandparents have to pretend to be thrilled with those handmade kid gifts, right?), birthdays, BLAH!!! It will never end! 

Now I'm grumpy again. A stop at Pinkberry on my way to Target will surely make me feel better!

Peace & Love :-)

Monday, July 25, 2011

Good Riddance

Today, before and after writing, publishing and deleting a post that could apparently be interpreted as in poor taste and worse yet NOT FUNNY, I have been on a mission. A mission to de-clutter my email inboxes. I have 5 email addresses, 3 personal and 2 work ones. I get way too many emails. 

My primary email is for friends, the kids' activities and fb. I use the secondary email when I order things, because someone Oprah had on her show back in the day said that it's good to have an email to use for e-commerce that doesn't have your name in the address and is separate from your primary one. It's more secure I guess. The details are fuzzy, but it seemed like sound advice at the time. My tertiary email is just for my yahoo groups. When I signed up for yahoo groups, it seemed that I needed a yahoo email for it. I'm not sure this is true. It kinda seems like a stupid requirement. Perhaps I made it up. Nevertheless, the yahoo account exists. The fourthary and fifthary ones are for work. 

I am all about emails, texts and facebook messages. Dopamine releases in my brain when my iPhone is all lit up with little numbers and alerts are sounding. The text alert is particularly pleasurable. When it happens and I'm driving it takes all my will power to wait for a stop light to read it. I think teenagers should have to lock their phones in the glove box while driving so they can't possibly drive and text. Everyone knows it's super dangerous, but the pull is so strong! I stopped texting and driving when I hit a curb. Scary as hell and enough of a wake up call for me. Increasingly I don't have time for the copious emails from Target, Costco, Bath & Body, Hungry Girl, All Recipes, alumni associations, a company I ordered a curling iron from 5 years ago, and Rainbow Rewards which I apparently signed up for at some juncture, but don't remember doing so. First thing in the morning and several times a day I get excited by that little red number in the double digits and merrily open "all inboxes" only to be let down by all the junk, most of which gets deleted unopened. Even though I know that most of the emails are going straight to the trash, I can't help but get a little excited every time I hear the sound and see the numbers.

This vicious cycle ends today! It is unbelievably easy to get yourself off these email lists. A quick scroll to the bottom of the email, a click on unsubscribe and viola! A few have asked if I would like to provide a reason for the break up, but it's not required. There must be some law about this or else it would be way more difficult. I wish it was so easy to get actual junk mail to stop coming to my actual mailbox up the street. I believe you can make some of it stop coming, but it involves a phone call which I'm not so big on. I'm having a very fuzzy memory, more of a notion really, that there is a website that can help with this. I'm going to Google it. Hopefully they don't start sending me emails.

Peace & Love :-)

Sunday, July 24, 2011


This morning Scott and I were out on the deck sipping coffee and discussing the replacement of said deck and the lame way in which it was constructed.

Scott: "I for sure won't do this cracker ass thing where they lined up all the boards and didn't stagger the joints." (pointing and gesturing)

Me: "I was going to call my post about the TV, My Cracker is Showing, but I didn't want to be offensive."

Scott: (hysterical laughing- nearly choking on coffee)


Scott: "You didn't want to be offensive on your blog? Your blog is totally offensive." (still snickering)

Me: "I thought cracker was just like saying white trash, but I looked it up on and it refers to a slave owner cracking their whip. I didn't want anyone to think I was comparing myself to a slave owner."

Scott: "I thought it was cuz saltine crackers are white."

Me: "Me too! That is apparently one origin, but not the only one. I'm not offended if you say it, but just so you know there are other interpretations."

Scott: "This is going on the blog isn't it?"

Me: "You bet your cracker ass it is... it's educational."

Peace & Love :-)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

25 Random Things Revisted

A couple of years ago there was a thing that people were doing on facebook where you make a list of 25 random things about yourself and tag friends and then those tagged were supposed to make a list and so on. I pretty much never do that kind of shit. Send me any type of chain snail mail/email and I will curse you and throw it away/delete it. Years ago I  got one for underwear. I was supposed to shop for underwear and send it to someone so then I would end up with 50 new pairs of underwear picked out by the suckers I sent my letters to. That's some freaky shit. 

After being tagged on the fb thing a couple times and reading some funny lists, I decided to give it a go. It turned out to be fun and while I did tag people, I wrote a disclaimer about not expecting anyone to come up with a list. I originally wrote this list in Jan 2009 so the year markers are off. I've changed names as we are in the witness protection program (not really but that strikes me as so much funnier than the actual reason I don't use real names here) and added some new comments in blue.

1. I've met very few sweet treats that I couldn't eat copious amounts of. It's easier for me to have no cookies/candy/bites of... then to have just 1. I can eat just 1 or 2 in public, but cannot do so in the privacy of my own home. Is there such a thing as sugar rehab?

2. I like word games. Like is a gross understatement. I love me some Scrabble. Scott won't play with me cuz he says I'm evil. It's called a tight board and strategy!

3. My husband was supposed to be my transition guy. That was almost 17 years ago and we've been together ever since. Make that 19 years of sweet togetherness. Seems like a mere 15.

4. I will be forever thankful that I lived down the street from XYZ Park where I met so many smart, witty and loyal women that have become some of my closest friends. Love those ladies! Group hug!

5. I drink several cups of black coffee every day. Except during my first pregnancy when I obediently gave up caffeine. I had a cupish a day during my second pregnancy- also I had some soft cheeses and possibly some sushi. The second kid seems fine.

6. I am a coffee snob. The day I discovered the coffee roaster had disappeared from my Costco was a low point. I stood there pointing and swearing and calling or texting anyone I could think of to complain to. I'm not sure I even completed my shopping. If you give me a bag of dark roast Peet's coffee beans, I will be your best friend.

7. I wear sunglasses even on a cloudy day. Thus protecting my eyes and showing how cool I am.

8. I would love to be trained by either Jillian or Bob from The Biggest Loser. Apparently Jillian is leaving the show, but I'd still let her whip my ass into shape. I'm a bit skeptical about Anna Kournikova taking her place. Um... really?

9. I have a mini me (and so does Scott). May the force be with us.

10. My daughter's middle name is the French version of my middle name and my son's middle name is the Irish version of Scott's middle name. Yep, we're awesome. Just ask us. We'll tell you.

11. I learned to Wake Board 2 summers ago when I was 35. I was determined to get up on that board, because the 17 year old one cabin over made it look so easy. It took me 10 tries before I got up and I could barely walk for a couple days, but I did it damn it- my husband and my father both got up in less tries than me, but I did it first. Now I don't even bother to ski, only wakeboard. I want to get a skim board/surf board thingy so I can get hip with that.

12. Once upon a time I was a natural blonde. Over the years I've been a blonde, a brunette and a red head. The red hair was a bad choice for me. There are no pictures of the red headed me. It was tragic.

13. For most of my adult life I did not enjoy costume parties. Thanks to my pal and her penchant for themed birthday parties, I have learned to embrace the chance to don a costume. I am willing to go for it. Check me out.

Me as Cleopatra at the Dead Celebrities Party.

14. I hate it when there are so many dishes piled and waiting to go into the dishwasher that the dishwasher needs to be run again as soon as it's reloaded. Unfortunately, I tend to procrastinate unloading the clean dishwasher so this scenario happens at my house almost daily. This is still going on. I will never learn.

15. Having kids has gone along way towards helping me get over myself. Sort of. Depends on the day really.

16. I have run one 1/2 marathon and walked one 1/2 marathon. I felt very accomplished after both of those, but have no desire to run or walk a full marathon. Still no desire. Marathoners are crazy, no offense.

17. I LOVE TV! What is not to love? TV is awesome. The DVR, On Demand and Streaming are all right up there with sliced bread. 

18. I think the iPhone and TIVO are both indescribably fabulous and I can't see giving either of them up. However, if forced to choose only one of them, I would keep the TIVO. I was so young and naive. iPhone wins this hands down. 

19. About 18 months ago, I discovered how much I like weight and resistance training. I used to only be about cardio. The pendulum has swung back to cardio. When one teaches 3-4 indoor cycling classes a week, one doesn't want to so much hang out and do weights. One really has to get back into that. Maybe this fall with both kids in school 5 days a week...

20. I am not a "dog person", but I love our new family dog. Still love the dog, but I don't see her that much as we now share custody with my parents. My siblings say my parents are dognappers, but Scott and I are really okay with the dog hanging out there as much as she does. They take her to the vet and the dog spa and never send us a bill. Win-win!

21. I am a "cat person", but 1 of our cats is just plain mean and I wouldn't be sad if she went and found a new family.  The cats have gone from being indoor/outdoor to just outdoor as they keep pissing on items in the kids' rooms. Items such as back rests, papasan chair cushions and pillows that can never be rid of cat piss smell and must be thrown away. We still feed them and pet them if we are outside and they saunter up, but they are all done coming indoors. It's for their own safety. 

22. My kids are my greatest joy and my greatest frustration. Yep.

23. Almost every time we go on vacation, especially a tropical one, I am ready to move our family to that spot. Maybe one day we'll do it. I almost did not come back from St. Thomas in April. I was totally for Scott going home to tie up lose ends and pick up the children while I looked for a place to live and an awesome job as a jet ski tour guide. Couldn't quite convince him. I will not stop trying!

24. I am a good baker, but only an adequate chef. My Rum Cake has a bit of a following. It is that good. 

25. I got a tattoo 17 years ago and have never regretted it. No regrets. Still considering refreshing the color, although my cousin says the faded color gives me street creed. Word.

Peace & Love :-)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Dirty Little Secret

This is what I saw in my bedroom last Monday morning: 

Little Shop of Hoarding
To which my response was "WTF?!? What in the hell is going on? Whose shit is this?"

The pile of crap didn't actually appear overnight, but I had done an uncharacteristically good job of blocking it out lo these many months. It started with the TV. Four or five, maybe even 6 months ago we replaced the TV in our room and the old TV made it only as far as against the wall next to the cedar chest. It was supposed to make it's way downstairs to the garage and then out to the end of the driveway for the next charity that sent out their neon postcard with TVs on their acceptable list for curb side pick up. Numerous pick ups came and went and there the TV sat.

Next came a bag of clothes also intended for the charity truck that got wedged between the TV and the cedar chest. Then came clothes and shoes from my daughter's room for give away that got piled on top of the TV. Finally the pile of clothes that Scott left in the middle of the closet floor (because after sorting through his clothes he didn't know where else to put the give away pile) got moved by me to the cedar chest. 

I really hate clutter. My house is generally within 10 minutes of being totally picked up. Shoes, backpacks, pillows, blankets and toys don't belong strewn about the floor. If you are playing with the toys, fine. If you're building a fort, then okay with the pillows and blankets, but when fort time is over, PICK IT UP! I do not like my kitchen counter to be cluttered with food and appliances. Just the basics thank you very much- a fruit bowl, toaster, microwave and coffee maker and I kinda of wish I had spots to put the appliances away when not in use. We moved a couple years ago and while I did not feel my old house was particularly knick knacked out or cluttered, I had too much shit spread all over. This house is bigger yet I still have framed photos and decorator type items in boxes. I do have family pictures and artwork in the house, but I'm going for the "minimal with kids" look. 

So, me having a large appliance buried in clothing sitting on my bedroom floor for an extended period of time just isn't the norm. I'm not really sure how I dealt with it for weeks and months. I put on blinders and let it become part of the room. Every once in a while I would stop and look at the growing mound and mutter something about living in a trailer park and move on. A couple times after strong male family type people had been here and I said to Scott, "Damn it, I should have asked strong Joe Family Dude to help you move the TV to the garage!" to which he would respond, "That TV isn't too heavy for one person." clearly implying he could move it himself, because when he said one person I am certain he wasn't referring to me. But alas, the TV didn't move.  

Last Monday, I hit the wall. I could no longer see anything but the TV and it's accoutrements. The clothes got bagged up and taken to the garage and the TV got ousted from the bedroom. It was glorious. I vacuumed and got rid of the marks in the carpet the TV had made during it's encampment, opened the curtains and the windows and started singing, "Let the sunshine in". The room felt bigger, the sun was shining brighter and I was no longer worried that we were headed towards an appearance on hoarders. Yippee!

I parked the TV near the top of stairs and mentioned to Scott that it was there waiting for him to heave ho it to it's said destination. Assuming it wouldn't move for days or weeks, I wrote a pithy paragraph here about how long it would sit there. I smugly saved my post planning to publish it in the morning, but then I killed the laptop monitor and couldn't actual edit the saved post until today (over a week later). Anyway... when I walked out of the bedroom I became disoriented and confused as I saw only carpet where I expected to see a TV. 

Me: (with complete disbelief) "Did you move the TV?"

Scott: "Yeah, before we went to dinner" (hours earlier)

Me: (shocked) "Oh, thanks... that's fantastic" 

While I was really happy he moved the TV, I was completely flummoxed that I had gone up and down the stairs several times without noticing the TV had been moved. Maybe the trailer park pile sat in my bedroom for so long because my grasp of the obvious just isn't what it used to be.

Peace & Love :-)

Monday, July 18, 2011

Slightly better than the Bates Motel

Should you find yourself in need of hotel accommodations in the Little Rock, AR area, I recommend that you seriously rethink your travel plans. The Clinton Library and the ducks walking the red carpet at The Peabody Hotel are both worth your time should you be in town, but you could fly in first thing in the morning, do those two things and catch an evening flight to somewhere good. Plus, I hear there are other Peabody Hotels with red carpet walking ducks so you could take that off your list. Should you have to travel to Little Rock under duress for your child's sport as I did or for business, then I highly DO NOT recommend the downtown La Quinta.

There were a few okay things about it: free wifi, complimentary breakfast (if you are all about fruit loops and giant waffles like my 10 year old), it seemed pretty clean, and the location (quick drive to the River Market/Downtown area- close enough to walk if it wasn't 95 with 140% humidity).

Some glaring omissions from the property: a bar, room service, and a fitness facility (a tiny room with a sad stair master and treadmill does not a fitness area make -yes there was an offsite gym of some sort, but then what to do with the 10 year old?) I know the La Quinta chain falls under the category of a low/mid range hotel or possibly a mid/high range motel so perhaps these items are unreasonable, but they would definitely improve the experience.

Actual bad things: 1. The rattly door. Every single time our neighbors opened and shut their door, ours would rattle like someone was trying to shake it open. The first night whomever was next door had some sort of cause for going in and out approximately 35 times between 11pm & 12am. I actually got out of bed at one point to look through the peep whole and double check that we indeed just had annoying neighbors and we weren't under attack. 2. The lack of toiletries. I thought we would rough it with the sucky shampoo, conditioner and lotion provided. Ha! The joke was on me. There was one tiny bottle of shampoo/conditioner combo and that was it. Everyone knows those combo concoctions are total bull shit! We both have longish, super thick hair. I called my daughter in and we stood there pointing and laughing at the sad little bottle of useless goo. 3. The keys only worked for one day at a time. Our key cards for our room were also to be used to enter the parking garage and "the gym". The second night we were there we get back to the hotel, drive our rented sweet Grand Marquis to the parking garage gate insert key card and nothing. Denied! I then back up the boat of a car, go in and without asking for my name or id, only my room #, the front desk dude resets my cards. The third night we roll in and the parking garage gate is open. We get all the way to the room and the door will not open. Red light. Denied. Downstairs we go and again only asked for the room number and the cards are reset. The fourth night we roll in and the garage gate is open. We get to our room. Red light. Denied. Downstairs. Keys reset with only a room number. Back upstairs. Red light. Denied again! Downstairs. The front desk dude apologizes again and resets again. I tell him if I can't get in I am calling him and he's coming upstairs. The chick at the front desk then says to me in a somewhat bitchy know-it-all type voice, "What color light are you getting, red or green?" Barely able to contain myself from jumping over the desk and smacking her, I reply "Red." Stupid front desk chick then says, "Oh, sometimes people get green and don't know which way to turn the handle." There are times when it is best to say nothing at all. I did stare at her for a good 10 seconds before schlepping away. I kinda wish I had just said what I was thinking which was, "Are you fucking kidding me?!?" Maybe I should call now and ask her, but I don't know her name. My daughter could not believe I didn't let lose on these people. I think she was starving for some entertainment. 4. They only clean your room when they feel like it. 5. The wall mounted hair dryer kept falling off the wall.

The good news is we stayed 4 nights, had 5 "free" breakfasts and my bill was under $350. I guess sometimes you actually do get what you pay for.

Peace & Love :-)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Greetings from AR

My daughter and I have made it to Arkansas which in case you weren't sure is abbreviated AR not AK. AK is Alaska. Before leaving home I was trying to map the area around our hotel and when I put in the hotel address I selected the first A state which was AK and I got a map of Juno. We are here for my daughter's sporting event not because we thought the South in July would be a dream vacation. We have been outside only in limited doses, but enough to confirm that the heat and humidity combo is truly oppressive.

We are staying in downtown Little Rock which allegedly has a happening restaurant scence down by the River Walk. We are about 10 blocks from the river and can't quite see anything that looks happening from our room. After traveling all day we aren't so much for exploring tonight and having had plane snacks for lunch we were starving upon check-in. According to the info in my room there is a real restaurant around the corner, but it wasn't where it was supposed to be (turns out the actual address according to the restaurant's website is across the river - maybe they moved or maybe my hotel is confused). We were getting starvinger by the minute so we ended up at McDonalds. Truly a last resort for me. I finally find grilled chicken wraps that look possibly edible on the menu and we order. Then we wait and wait and wait... Still starving and obviously desperate we finally get food. I suspect they actually killed the chicken out back meaning, although it took FOREVER, my wraps were super fresh.

Back at the room I start perusing the listing of additional services by the hotel including swimming pool, business services, laundry and postage stamps (such a relief), but where's the gym? I swear online this place said they had a gym. I brought my gear and I may not make it through 5 days in AR without an indoor workout facility. I start walking in circles and muttering. Finally I gain enough composure to call the front desk and ask.

Me: "I thought this place had a gym." (slightly huffy)

Front Desk Dude: "Yes, ma'am we have a gym on the 2nd floor and we will give you passes to the gym across the street." (super duper nicely)

Me: "Oh cool. Thanks very much. Have a great evening. Thanks again." (attempting to compensate for being a total douche initially)

Uneventful plane trip, easy drive to the hotel, procurement of food-ish, and confirmation of not 1 but 2 gyms of some sort = successful day. Plus a dude in the elevator actually said dagumit to me as in "Thanks for holding the elevator. I didn't really want to take the stairs dagumit!" Awesome!

Tomorrow morning = food, gym and The William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Museum. Really. Much to the 10 year olds dismay, it's the only local thing I really really want to do. I don't ever plan on returning to Little Rock so it's very likely a once in a lifetime opportunity dagumit!

Peace & Love :-)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Shitty Day Turned Awesome

I did a really stupid thing today. I killed my laptop, at least the screen portion of the laptop. Since the screen is cracked with a white fuzzy background, who the he'll knows if the rest of it works. It seems to turn on...

After the laptop plunged to it's possible death I immediately felt sickish. I didn't know whether to scream obscenities or cry. I called Scott and left a pathetic message about not being able to blog or Facebook for his company the rest of the week since I'll be in Arkansas, yes really, and can't get the computer fixed before I go. When he called me back he treaded lightly and asked me I if I was okay before he started laughing. Not hysterical laughing, more like little chuckles.

Me: You think this is funny?

Scott: There's not much to do but laugh and try to get it fixed.

Me: (trying not to hyperventilate) Umm, I guess, but I can't blog or Facebook for work not to mention my own blog or making new playlists for cycling.

Scott: Are you okay enough for me to ask you a question?

Me: (slightly exasperated & taking loud deep breaths) What?!?

Scott: How about I go to the apple store and get an iPad for us to share? You can take it to Arkansas and I'll try to get the laptop fixed. After you get back and the laptop is fixed, then I'll try it out for work.

Me: Fuck yeah!

So right now I'm typing on the new iPad! Wahoo baby!!! You know that thing between men and women where women just want to vent and men want to solve their problems and there is a failure to communicate? That was not the case today. I was forlorn, defeated and pathetic and Scott was my hero and solved my problem! BEST. HUSBAND. EVER!

It's true that Scott has been itching for any excuse to pull the trigger on an iPad, but I say so what. Win-win! I will need that laptop fixed or have to get a new one. My desktop is a dinosaur and while for some reason we still have it, it's unplugged and may or may not actually work. It was bang your head against the wall slow when last used a year and a half ago. I briefly considered trying to get it to work earlier, but then my angel of mercy said he would bring home an iPad and that crazy thought flew out of my head. And while this iPad is the bomb, it isn't perfect. For example, I cannot figure out how to scroll up to the top of this post and change he'll to hell and a pretty funny post that I composed last night cannot be edited and will have to wait until the full fledged computer is repaired. However, I can mostly blog, I can use the full web version of Facebook for work, I can FaceTime, I can show other people how awesome I am by using the iPad while out and about and and I can play Angry Birds on a larger screen. Pretty fucking cool!

Peace & Love :-)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

My legs have still got it!

Today I got to spend 3 hours in the car by myself. Well for half of it my 5 y/o was in the car, but he was watching a movie with headphones on and didn't have his sister to fight with so it was pretty much like being alone. 3 hours of fairly mindless highway driving to be in control of the radio and think my own thoughts! Almost as good as my shower thinking time, except of course I had to pay enough attention to the road to avoid careening into other cars or the center divider.

So I'm driving down the lost highway (It's 2 lanes each direction and there's lots of semi truck traffic) rocking out to Rihanna's S & M (love that song- try so hard not to listen when my kids are listening- do not want to explain whips and chains to the 10 year old!) and it happens- a trucker honks at my legs. Really. True story. I was wearing fairly short shorts and I looked around to see what the honking was about. No cars about to crash, no slowing ahead, no emergency situation, no other trucks nearby to be signaling in secret trucker honk language to. The only thing that made sense was that my legs were getting props.

I very clearly remember my first receipt of the trucker leg honk. I was 14 and in my tennis skirt as I had just finished tennis practice. I was a mediocre high school tennis player, but I rocked that skirt. I was in the front seat of the family Suburban with my short skirt and my feet up on the dash. We passed a semi and the guy honked and my mom said, "he's honking at your legs." Umm, what? Truckers do that? According to my mom they did. At 14 it kinda creeped me out. Today, 25 years and 2 pregnancies later, it was all I could do not to slow down to wave at the guy and give him a thumbs up. Between the tennis skirt occurrence and today, I've gotten the trucker leg honk a number of times, but it's been awhile. This must happen across our great country and not just in the middle of nowhere on Highway 99. Also, I'm pretty sure this is really a thing and not something my mom made up followed by coincidences over the years. If it's not, I would really prefer you keep that information to yourself and not burst my bubble! My legs and I are feeling pretty cocky right now.

Peace & Love :-)

Friday, July 8, 2011


My electronics are conspiring against me! I am all about my iPhone, my MacBook, emailing, facebooking, twittering, blogging, & texting, however that's not working out that well for me today. 

This morning, as I was schlepping all around town looking for very specific special fabric glue, my Yelp app was being a complete asshole. I had just come out of one store who was out of said adhesive and was trying to Yelp another store just so I could have their # to call and see if they had what I needed and Yelp wouldn't work because:

Yelp: You don't have your location setting on.

Me: Fine. I'd like to turn that on. How do I do that? Doesn't seem to be in settings?


Me: Nothing I'm pushing is giving me the option to turn on the current location thingy.


Me: (exit app & restart app)

Yelp: Please set location setting to on.

Me: Fuck you!

Ring ring....

Me: Hello.

Scott: Hey, what are you doing?

Me: (in one breath) I'm sitting in the car trying to get my Yelp app to fucking work so I can find the number for Michael's to see if they have the glue I need cuz if they don't then I need to find the nearest JoAnn's which I don't think Yelp is going to fucking find for me either and when I tried my yellow pages app it kept giving me white pages info for dudes named Michael! 


Me: What are you doing?

Scott: Nothing.

Scott then Googles the info I need and I write down the phone numbers and addresses. I wrote them down with pen and paper. I almost never use pen and paper. My handwriting is for shit these days. My map app thing worked fine so I was able to get to JoAnn's and get the glue. 

After I'm home I see an email from Target offering me the chance to win $ if I sign up for paperless billing for my REDcard. Love paperless billing. Love free Target $. Sign me up. The link on the email didn't work and I actually had to type in in my browser, figure out where my account info was and then try to sign. I kept failing at the sign in and Target was telling me I better push their 'forgot password' link for fear of getting locked out of my account. So I do, then I have to get up and get my wallet, take out the card and enter my card number and answer security questions all for a username I totally should be able to remember. I finally get in and get to the billing screen. Guess what? I'M ALREADY SIGNED UP FOR PAPERLESS BILLING! In my defense the card is brand new and I haven't been billed yet so I didn't know for sure what my setting was. It makes sense that I signed up for paperless, but since they sent me the email baiting me to switch I thought I hadn't done it yet. It is unclear to me, since I was already signed up for paperless billing, if I am entered to win the $ or not.

Finally, I was trying to print some travel info for my trip to Arkansas next week (try to contain your jealousy) and my MacBook froze. I was getting the spinning color wheel which doesn't happen that often. It's not like a PC where the freeze up is an everyday thing. I tried clicking on the little apple on the top left which is supposed to respond to let you force quit, but it was not responding. There are 3 buttons to push to force quit, but I can't remember what they are as I hardly ever need to use them. They are not ctrl-alt-del, that I know. It's escape-command-alt or escape-ctrl-alt or something. Usually when I try a few different combinations I get one to work. Not today. Nothing. I start tapping forcefully on keys and saying hurtful things to the MacBook whom usually I am head over heals for and finally do the unthinkable- turn it off & back on. I know this is a no-no, but I seriously had no choice. Obviously, the computer is back on and seems to be working, but as far as printing the airline and hotel info, I said fuck it and WROTE IT DOWN. I used a sticky note and saved a ton of paper.

Maybe I needed some karmic lesson in writing shit down today. IDK! Hey karma- I'm all good. I still remember how to use a pen. Can I go back to typing now?

Peace & Love :-)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Does This Make Me Look Fat?

As it turns out, asking your husband, "Do you think my new blog post is funny?" is pretty much the equivalent of asking, "Does this make me look fat?" 

You think you want an honest answer, but what you really want to hear is:

"It was hilarious" which is the same as "You look hot!"

That answer is far from guaranteed of course, because husbands being husbands will tell it like it is. And you get:

"It was okay. Not as funny as some of the others. You were rambling. (Daggers being shot across the table)  It was amusing." (I know, deja vu all over again, right ?!?) which is the same as "You look fine, let's go." 

The latter, while not entirely negative, does not convey the message of how awesome you are hoping you are and triggers a mini tirade on your blog which is the same as at least 3 more outfit changes.

It was a trick question and shame on me for asking. I should know better. I stopped asking the does this make me look fat/my ass look big/my boobs look small/me look short question eons ago. Now if I say anything it's along the lines of, "Do I look okay?" and I'm pretty much guaranteed a "Yeah" (how hard is that really) and sometimes I get a "You look great." Win-win. 

This blog really is intended to amuse myself and by that measure it is a success. I would be a big fat liar though, if I claimed that I'm not downright giddy that a few people are reading it. Those of you who have commented here or on fb or told me in person that you enjoy it have made my year! Just so you know, Scott has said a couple nice things to me about the blog. Plus, he is a treasure trove of material so he gets points for that! I just need to either A) Stop asking him about the blog or 2) Come up an equivalently benign inquiry like... um... "Did it seem like I remembered to spell check?"

Bonus: Conversations with Scott... Touche

Scott & I were sitting outside the other day when the dog dropped an unidentifiable animal appendage at our feet. Scott picks up my flip flop to bat said appendage into the planter bed.

Me: Don't use my flip flop for that!

Scott: It's closest.

Me: Don't! Gross! Use your own shoe! You should be nice to me!

Scott: Why?

Me: I'm your wife.

Scott: And?

Me: You love me.

Scott: And?

Me: If you're not, then I will write embarrassing things on my blog about you.

Scott: You can't threaten me with something you already do. 

Me: Touche.

Peace & Love :-)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A Leaky Bucket

It is a well known fact that I cannot carry a tune. Not just like I'll never get a recording contract can't sing, but dogs howling and small children covering their ears and screaming can't sing. I come by this honestly from my father's side. None of the Buckminsters can sing. 

Buckminster is not my actual maiden name as I am on the down low here, but the name cracks me up. When I was pregnant with my son, my then 4 y/o daughter and I would look at name book after name book. One day we came across the name Buckminster and we cracked up. We then proceeded to call the unborn baby Buckminster. I had never heard of Buckminster Fuller (famous inventor architect dude) until after we started calling my stomach that, but just because there is a somewhat famous guy with that name does not take away from the fact that the name is funny. 

When I was in 6th grade I got selected for a role in our class play that required a bit of singing. I told the music teacher that I couldn't sing. He said he would work with me and it would be fine. I said no, really, I can't sing. He said it would be fine. After one rehearsal it was decided that the during my solo I would step over near the choir and they would sing with me. I'm pretty sure I was told to sing quietly or possibly to just mouth the words.

In college I repeatedly took a course called Gospel Choir. It wasn't gospel music appreciation it was a full on choir. I know, I know...why in the hell would I sign up for a class where I had to sing? Well it was a very large class and pretty much everyone I knew took it. If you showed up to class and a certain of number of concerts during the quarter, you got 4 easy units of A. No brainer! I always sang quietly and tried not to call attention to myself. The guy who taught it was really good at picking out when someone was off. He would isolate it to the alto, soprano, tenor, etc. section and then go row by row and a few people at a time until he found the offender. The instructor wasn't being a hard ass he was being helpful and I was in awe of his skills. I was also terrified of being singled out and having him try to help me already knowing I was beyond help. One of the quarters I sat next to a friend who actually asked me to just mouth the words, because when I sang even ever so quietly it threw her off key. 

The worst is when the Buckminster family gets together for birthday parties. We are all such notoriously bad singers that we don't even try to sound good. We go the other direction and make an effort to be extra loud and extra off key. It is god awful and hilarious. If you are a Buckminster and can sing- 1) How come I'm not aware of this? and B) You owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to the other 50% of your DNA! 

Peace & Love :-)