Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cock, Paper, Scissors!

I've been trying to come up with a clever name for the other blog that I write which currently is just the company's name and logo. They sell paper and stuff kinda like Dunder Mifflin except the boss is super sexy and very smart. This afternoon I texted Sharpie Fine Girl to see if she had any ideas for me. These are excerpts of our texting.

Me: Trying to think of a clever name for Company X's blog. Ideas?

SFG: Maybe some play on rock, paper, scissors. Paper & scissors rock! Cock, paper, scissors for your new porn site.

Me: Cock, paper, scissors it is!

SFG: Something do to with running with scissors?

Me: I like the running w/ scissors idea. If I can stop fixating on cock, maybe I can do something with that.

SFG: Thanks now all I can think about is Rep Weiner Cock Pix...guess there's worse things to have stuck in ur head...head see there I go again...

SFG: More for the office porn site... There could be a sidebar entitled "today's pos-tits" and a site map offering pix of "boxes", "hole punch" and "clips, fasteners, rubber bands and binding" for our S & M friends. 

Then I spent the next 2 hours trying to get  'Cock, Paper, Scissors!' to stop looping in my head so I could think of something appropriate. I did manage to jot down a few decent ideas, but I kept getting interrupted by my own adolescent giggling. Other inappropriate ideas I've had include:

Cut The Cheese
Cut The Shit
Paper Fetish
Paper Cut A Bitch

I even took a shower so I could think and still couldn't quiet the loop. I'm hoping this post will let me get it out of my system, clear my head and move on. Thanks for the cock block Sharpie Fine Girl!

Peace & Love :-)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


This morning. 7am. Phone conversation with my husband on his way to work.

Me: Have you read my blog yet?

Scott: Yes.

Me: Did you like it?

Scott:'s just you rambling. 

Me: Thanks for your support.

Scott: It's amusing.

Me: Remember when we were talking about how to give compliments? Here's an example: Your blog is funny, I'm glad you've found a creative outlet and you are having fun with it. That's neat.

Scott: What you said. That sounds good.

Me: Start thinking about what name I should use for you on the blog, because you will be mentioned and I'm not using real names. You could be Mr. Tirade.

Scott: Nice.

Me: Or I could call you Scott. Then I could explain why I chose to call you Scott, cuz that's kinda funny.

Scott: Fine. I'm glad you have a creative outlet. Your blog is funny. I'm hanging up now. 

My in-laws picked the wrong name for my husband. Not that there's anything wrong with his name. It's a good name. I like his name. He likes his name. It doesn't rhyme with Scott, start with an 'S' or sound similar to Scott, but that does not stop people from calling him Scott. If someone is going to get my husband's name wrong, they will call him Scott. It has happened time and time again over the years. I've heard people do it. It's not just new acquaintances either. I've heard people that have known him for years do it. Sometimes people realize they have erred, other times not, but it always makes my husband and I crack up. So here on this blog he will be Scott. 

For those that you who know him: Does he look like a Scott to you? Periodically I call him Scott just to mess with him, but I don't really see it.

Peace & Love :-) 

Monday, June 27, 2011

Shtick It Up Your Ass!

Sharpie Fine Girl suggested to me I figure out some type of shtick, aka recurring hilarious feature, to keep folks checking the blog. She had an interesting idea of themed pictures/posts, i.e. photoshopping my bad ass gang self into the middle of Whole Foods with the caption "ghetto in the organic grotto" for the gang name post. I don't know how to photoshop. I'm sure I could learn, but that frankly sounds like too much effort. I have become enamored with shticking though so I'm working on it. 

I have several ideas:

1. Working title: Shower Thoughts 

I do some of my best thinking in the shower. Could be the calming sensation of the warm water or the whooshing sound or the fact that I can't bring my iPhone in there. Also, for the most part my kids leave me alone while I shower. Don't get me wrong if something is really urgent like, "Mom! Do you know where my Yoda guy is?" they have no qualms about screaming at me through the glass door, but 76.8% of the time I get the whole 10 minutes to myself. The brilliant thinking in the shower has been going on way before kids. I can remember saying to a friend in college, "this morning in the shower I had a totally good idea about what we should wear Friday night!" and getting the weirdest look. Maybe that individual didn't like to do their thinking in the shower or maybe they considered it an over share. Just because I'm naked when this high level thinking occurs doesn't make the thoughts inappropriate. Sooo, Shower Thoughts would be a collection of thoughts that I had while showering. For example, 

  • Today's best shower thought was the title of this post. I was thinking about developing a shtick or two and 'Shtick It Up Your Ass' just came to me!

2. Working title: Facebook Round-Up 

Sometimes my fb posts are funny. Sometimes not. I admit that I usually aim for humor and sometimes I crack myself up. Some uproarious ideas just don't need a whole blog post or maybe they do, but I just started this blog so up to now my pithiness has been more contained. I can't imagine that I will stop fb posting just because I'm blogging so I still might come up with a few good ones. Sooo, FB Round-Up would be a collection of my facebook posts. For example, 

  • My 10 y/o just responded "tru dat". No more watching The Wire for her.
  • Rekindled my love affair with wine. We are hot and heavy. Not great for the waistline though. Trying to start something with carrots to mitigate the damage.
  • According to my calorie tracker, I have 22 calories left in my budget for the day. How many sips of wine do you suppose that is?

3. Working title: Overheard on Facebook

Some of my facebook friends are fucking funny. You might enjoy their posts too and I'm pretty sure you are all not friends with all the rest of my friends or something like that -you get my gist. It would be anonymous, but it would be implied by the 'Overheard on FB' title of the post that it wasn't my post. Do you suppose anyone would get pissed? I would be flattered if some reposted my status in that manner, but maybe I'm the exception. I guess people could defriend me if they noticed I did this and they didn't like it. Alternately, they could send me a nice note asking me to please not do that again. Or maybe my friends would get funnier in an effort to make the cut. Does anyone know if this would be legal? Sooo, Overheard on FB would be a collection of my fb friend's funny posts. For example (fingers crossed none of these people sue me),

  • Another reason for me to dislike beer: The inlaws dumped 2 6-packs of skunky beer in my car that had been sitting on their porch forever. I start driving home and it erupts with shards of glass and beer shooting everywhere. Thank God it wasn't in the back seat with the kids. So now my upholstery is sliced, my car reeks and I am officially having a bad day. At least nobody was hurt. This is why I drink hard liquor.
  • doesn't understand why there's still no wine booth at open house. I told them last year.
  • Things overheard in the ER at 3:00 a.m. "No way! I'm not telling you what Vanessa said! F&*!!ing Vanessa will F&!*ing kill you in your F&!*ing sleep!"
I did have to search quite a bit for those so maybe this wouldn't be the greatest shtick. It could be once a month. My friends could step up comedic postings and help a sister out. If you guys are entertaining, then here and there I could be lazy and do an amusing post without having to actually be amusing.

I'll continue to work through this in the shower tomorrow. If you have any suggestions, better or otherwise, BRING IT!

Peace & Love :-)

Sunday, June 26, 2011


Welcome to The Musings of Lil Tirade Blog. Lil Tirade is my gang name. No, I'm not actually in a gang. I'm a middle class chick rounding the bend to 40 and am not nor have I ever been in a gang. I was in a sorority in college. That's a little bit like being in a gang. Also, I'm on PTA, in a Mom's Group and I have a tattoo. I guess it's all in how you define gang. 

I couldn't get a very sharp picture of my bad ass panda tattoo. You can't tell here, but it's purplish. It started out a nice purple, but has faded a bit in the last 19 years. There is a story behind the purple panda tattoo. Maybe I will tell you sometime. I have said many times I should get the color redone. Maybe for the sake of the blog. Maybe.

My friend, Sharpie Fine Girl, bestowed the Lil Tirade name upon me. Even though I'm a good person, I'm smart, I'm good enough and gosh darn it people like me, I am prone to rants about seemingly inconsequential things and thus the name fits. Sharpie Fine Girl also christened the rest of our posse with gang names that I now can't remember. I thought they must be in an old email somewhere, but when I searched "gang names" in my email account- nada! Maybe my posse remembers what their names are. Maybe not. The hilarious gang name emails where awhile back. I remember mine because I've been using it as a screen name elsewhere. Maybe Sharpie Fine Girl (not her gang name btw) will give out new gang names to those desiring of them who didn't like can't remember their original ones. 

One of those friends whose gang name I can't remember, let's call her Green Thumb Lassie or GTL- kinda like Gym, Tan, Laundry, except not at all- apparently told me some time ago that I should blog. I don't remember that GTL told me so, but she insists that she did so it must have gotten stuck in my subconscious and been rattling around trying to rise to the top. 

Also, because I have decided to make it so, I am morphing into a Social Media Expert and have graciously offered my talents to a local business that I have close ties to. Among the social media things I am doing for said business is blogging. It's fun. It's a good outlet. I like it. I will continue to do it, but that blog can only take so much of my random nonbusiness related ramblings. I'm finding myself thinking in blog form about very random stuff. So I decided why the fuck, shit, hell,  blazes not!?! Profanity is also not appropriate on the aforementioned business blog probably and I feel it has it's place- for random emphasis and whatnot. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that you were warned way up at the top in the blog description "NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED!" That is the only disclaimer I'm doing.

Peace & Love :-)