Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I Could Cut A Bitch

I am so fucking crabby today for no actual reason that I can pin point. I have had some idiocy and annoyances cross my path today, but no more so than most other days. It's the kind of crabby, bitchy if you will, that you feel more in your loins than in your head. It rises up through your chest and tries to escape out of your mouth and you have to choke it back. You have to repeat things in your head like "chill out", "don't react", "take a breath", "you are bitchy for no reason", and "DO NOT REACT!". While the likelihood that other people are being douches is high, your normal ability to deal with such douchery is replaced by the urge to freak the fuck out. 

DO NOT SAY IT! DON'T EVEN THINK IT! I am absolutely not on/about to get my period. That is such a cliched, bull shit, male-centric thinking. I expect better of you people, dammit! I know that I'm not about to bleed out, because I don't even get periods anymore. So there! Thanks to my Mirena baby IUD, which by the way is better than sliced bread. I'd slice my own bread for eternity rather than bleed and cramp for 1 out of every 4 weeks. Hands down. No contest. 

The crabbiness as it were started this morning at 5 a.m. when I was actually sleeping and was awoken mid-dream by Scott telling me that the girl had been in the shower since 4 a.m. What the fuck man? I don't care! I'm asleep! 

My irritation continued to fester during Kindergarten centers (5 & 6 year olds are so self-centered), it started escaping during a draining game of Qwirkle (more 6 year old fun), and it came spilling out during the girl's baton "practice time" (you can make special arrangements and you can lead a twirler to the gym, but you can't make them have a productive practice). 

I possibly over-reacted a bit both during the Qwirkle and the baton. Is it bad parenting to tell your 6 year old you're not going to play games with him anymore if he keeps peeking at your tiles and that it's bad strategy to keep turning in all your tiles when you clearly have moves you could make and to hurry it up already? What about if instead of the normal yelling that falls on deaf ears, you just sigh and exhibit disappointment and hurt that your tired child who is on her 4th day in a row of baton practice isn't giving 110%? 

It's still January and I may already be out of the running for Mother of the Year. Bollocks.

Did I mention that, because apparently I've been bad and karma wants a good laugh, Scott, who almost never works late, is working late tonight so it's just me and my rapscallions my lovely offspring till bedtime and beyond? 

I may or may not have come home and started eating powdered chocolate frosting mix with a spoon. 

I may or may not be considering starting dinner early so I can open wine to use in a sauce and then pour myself a glass. It's common knowledge that once you start preparing dinner, it's okay to have a drink. What? Just in my family, then?

To be fair, even though I don't ovulate or cleanse my uterus, I do notice I still have some occasional hormone and mood issues. So, that actually probably could be the issue. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to jump down your throat? I apologize. 

I would go apologize to the kids, but they are separated and in time-outs for a very legitimate reason I assure you.

peace & love :-)

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Conversations with Myself... I'm not a spy.

Me: You've been lagging on the posting again.

Myself: So.

Me: It's been 12 days.

Myself: Your the only one who's counting.

Me: What about all your fans?

Myself: Yeah, Mom is probably very sad.

Me: Other people besides Mom read the blog.

Myself: Right. I do have 10s of fans. There's Sharpie Fine Girl, a few other peeps, and some "blogging friends". Also there is a person or persons who regularly read in Russia.

Me: Um, yeah, how did you get Russian fans?

Myself: I have no fucking idea, but it's kinda cool. I hope they aren't KGB spying on me.

Me: A) The cold war is over. B) Why would anyone want to spy on you? C) If they were spies don't you think they could cover their internet tracks better than that? & 4) According to wikipedia, the KGB was only in operation in Russian until 1991.

Myself: A) I know. B) I have the perfect wife/mother/suburban cover. I could be a bad ass spy. C) Good point. & 4) That's what they want you to think!

Me: You would make a shitty spy. 

Myself: Not true.

Me: You don't know any foreign languages, you don't know how to handle firearms, you have a problem staying awake past 9pm...

Myself: Wait. What? What does staying up late have to do with being a spy. Can't I do my spying during the day?

Me: Spies sometimes have to have meetings late at night or go under cover in a casino.

Myself: Casinos are totally open 24 hours a day. Duh.

Me: What about the language and gun things.

Myself: Learning a foreign language would be my limiting factor. I could spy in Canada or England maybe. I might be able to do accents. When I was 12 and went to Space Camp in Alabama for a week, I came home with a southern accent that took me a month to shake. 

Me: I don't think there's a need for spies in Alabama.

Myself: That's what they want you to think!

Me: And the guns?

Myself: While I have no current interest in arming myself, if I were going to be a spy I would learn how to use a gun and I would be bad ass at it. 

Me: This is ridiculous! You've watched too much Homeland.

Myself: Don't forget Pan Am. They have those Stewardess Spies. 

peace & love ;-).

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Preaching To The Choir / Tips For Drinking Wine & Coffee On The Go

A lovely post entitled The Uppers & Downers of Parenting (Or, Coffee & Wine) by Amber Dusick was brought to my attention yesterday by several sources. It's quite funny as it's so true and I found myself nodding and saying 'yep' in between chuckles. I was reminded of the post this morning while admiring the Keurig Coffee Maker the kids and I got Scott for his birthday. Here it is with the kick ass wine opener I recently got for my birthday. Who knew kitchen appliances could look so sleek and sexy? Can you hear them saying 'come hither'? I can.

Coffee and wine are staples for Scott and I. If we are going on a trip, the availability of good coffee and wine at our destination is of much discussion (good wine being defined by: do we like it? we don't know jack about the actual quality of wine, we are actually pickier about the coffee than the wine). If we don't think the quality and quantity will be adequate upon arrival, then we bring it with us. We have been known to grind and bag coffee to bring to people's houses (not if we are going for dinner, but when we are staying overnight and have any reason to believe that it's even slightly possibility the coffee situation will be less than optimal). Better safe than sorry. 

While the pre-measured and ground baggies of coffee have the potential to offend, I care not. On the other hand, showing up to someone's house with wine is perfectly acceptable and appreciated so no problem there. I suppose some people might be offended like Mormons or alcoholics, but it's not like I would expect them to drink any with me.

When checking into a hotel, it is imperative to familiarize oneself with the location of the nearest Starbucks. I will drink what is in the hotel room usually putting both the packet of regular and of decaf in the mini coffee maker at the same time in an effort to make the coffee bold enough to drink, but that's only useful as a stop gap measure until real coffee can be acquired. Usually it's good to bring your own bottle of wine to the hotel especially if you'll be staying on the property or are in a walking/taxi type city. Don't forget your opener.

When going on a cruise, check the cruise line's official alcohol policy and then check cruise message boards to see how much and of what type of alcohol people are actually bringing on board with them. Bringing bottles of wine and/or vodka in your camelback (looks like water) go a long way towards taking the sting out of your bar bill at the end of the voyage. Again, don't forget your opener. The coffee situation on a cruise ship can be worrisome. It seems that most ships now have a fancy pay extra for coffee shop area. On our last cruise we bought the coffee package and had punch cards. Well worth it.

When going to your in-laws for a week where you MIL drinks decaf and your FIL doesn't drink coffee, BRING the baggies of coffee. Also, prior to departure determine the location of the nearest Trader Joe's to your in-laws home for wine purchases. If the nearest TJ's is not so near, it's best to stock up and bring it with you. You don't want to be rude and drain their supply.

If you are arriving at a lake cabin shared by a wide array of family members, do not assume that the coffee grinder you clearly remember leaving on the counter the summer before will still be there. Waking up to find that you have a coffee maker and coffee beans, but no grinder and you are 30+ minutes away from a Starbucks or a retail establishment that might have a grinder they are willing to sell you is a real pisser. Trust me on this.

When choosing a hotel to book for a week for your child's sporting event across the country that you must fly to and where you may or may not have a rental car and access to purchasing wine and an opener for your room, do be swayed by the afternoon snack & drink spread (including wine) in the lobby of only one of the possible hotels and book there. This may allow you to cling to your sanity. 

You're welcome.

Peace & Love ;-)

Monday, January 9, 2012


While I was with the girl at her activity yesterday afternoon, Scott and the boy ran a couple errands including going to the market. 

Greatly appreciated. 

BUT, when I got home and walked into the pantry, I saw... brace yourself... BOXES ON THE SHELVES. Multiple boxes of cereal and granola bar boxes. WTF dude?!? 

Boxes of food in the pantry is normal you say? Not in my pantry. Not anymore. Not since the the Great Pantry Moth Invasion and War of 2011 which you can read about here. I have officially declared Victory in the war, but I will remain forever vigilant. I will not go back to non-sealable containers, bag clips or boxes sitting on the shelves. Boxes may seem innocent, but they are in fact very good hiding places for pupae containing cocoons. Not gonna do it. Would not be prudent. Everything goes into clear sealable containers or thick Ziploc bags. EVERYTHING!

So upon spying the boxes I say very lightheartedly: "You guys broke the pantry rule. There are boxes on the shelves." 

The boy then says: "We know, but we didn't know how you'd want it done so we left the boxes for you."

Six! The boy is six. Oy!

What I then did was repackage the food appropriately without comment, but what was going on in my head was a full on Mommie Dearest style rant.


Peace & Love ;-)

Friday, January 6, 2012

Conversations with Myself...Meh

Me: You haven't posted anything on your blog in a while.

Myself: Meh...

Me: Are you too busy?

Myself: Always busy, but that ain't it.

Me: Don't you have anything interesting or amusing to say? Some smart-ass thought that you can spin into a few paragraphs?

Myself: Meh...

Me: Don't you have any backasswards New Year's Resolutions to share?

Myself: If I read one more fucking blog post about New Year's Resolutions I'm going to stab a fork in my eye.

Me: Okay, not that then. Something about Wine?

Myself: I heart wine.

Me: Perhaps expand on that.

Myself: I REALLY heart wine and my new wine opener, wine glasses and awesome Wine Fairy painting that Sharpie Fine Girl painted just for me. Also, I need to get myself a vacuum wine sealer thingy cuz no one got me that. That is all. 

Me: A little rough, but you might could do something with that.

Myself: Meh...

Me: What about your new magnifying mirror and the hairy lip cream/waxing journey?

Myself: I have been toying with that one.

Me: I think you might have something there. Maybe go with that.

Myself: I did consider filming my home waxing for a video blog, but didn't. 

Me: What about that Pantry Moth War Victory post that you started?

Myself: Yeah, I should get back to that.

Me: Sounds like you've got some possibilities. I say pour yourself a glass of wine, stand in the moth free pantry for a bit and then go stare at your magnified and lit up face and see what kind of brilliance strikes.

Myself: Meh... I guess a glass of wine couldn't hurt. 

Peace & Love :-)