Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I'm Going Back to 1976 to Get a Good Night's Sleep.


This morning. 2:30 a.m.: 

The boy, age 6, showed up on my side of the bed which he does every time he needs to pee in the middle of the night rather than heading straight for the toilet. Always my side. Never Scott's side. Always my side. Always.

Me: "Go potty."

The boy: (runs off to use the potty, turns on the bathroom light, closes the door loudly, slams up the toilet seat, pees, flushes, slams down the toilet seat, washes hands, opens door, turns off light and returns to the bedside) "Please tuck me back in."

Me: "hmmff" (haul self out of the warm bed, down the hall & up the loft bed ladder)

The boy: "It's 2:30. I have 4 more hours to sleep. I can do that." (He then rolls over and is asleep... like instantly)

Me: (down the ladder, down the hall, to the bathroom -obviously since I'm already up-, back to bed & wide awake) "WTF?"

I don't think it took me too long to go back to sleep, but it wasn't roll over and be out. I tried that and I was awake long enough to know it didn't work. 

I've decided I need to invent a pill, a method, a something that gives adults 'kid sleep'. So many times Scott and I have discussed just how much we'd pay to have one night of kid sleep. I think we have upped the ante to somewhere around 3 gazillion dollars. 

I've never taken Ambien or the like and I'm not lining up to do it, because I would certainly eat random things in the night or drive over to ARCO and pump gas in just my underwear or something else dangerous and/or embarrassing and/or fattening. 

I'm down with having wine, or whatever your pleasure is, to ease you towards slumber, but in my experience it doesn't produce 10 hours of solid sleep or allow for easily going back to sleep at 3 a.m. It has been suggested that maybe I'm just not drinking enough of it, but I don't really want to feel like I've been run over by a bus every morning so I've decided against chugging copious amounts of wine as a sleep aid. I have considered, but not actually tried, keeping a glass bedside for middle of the night sleep inducement. That seems like borderline alcoholic behavior though.

Narcotics without an IV of Compazine make me hurl so no.

The Michael Jackson drug, propho-something-or-other, seems like an extremely bad idea and I don't actually know Nurse Jackie so I doubt I could get my hands on any.

My invention will be all natural, organic, be legal everywhere without a special card, will have no side effects and will allow you to sleep long and hard without worry like my children do. Like I did when I was a kid and would fall asleep draped over the top of the couch and have no memory of being moved to my bed. Like I was even able to do when I came home from college, but never ever able to do in my dorm, apartments, or houses. The sleep that comes with the deep rooted sense of security that someone else is in charge, you will be taken care of and not even the smallest part of you needs to be on alert. 

That's the sleep I crave.
Me circa age 5.

Another solid example of fabulous kid sleep.
Also circa age 5.

I'm starting to think a pill is the wrong direction to go. A time machine seems like the better choice here. That's clearly the easier path to take. I'm going to get right on it. Just think when I am rich and famous you can say you knew me when.

peace & love ;-).


This morning at 3:33 a.m. I got a text from my mother:

Mom: "Read blog at 3:23. 2 thumbs up on pics."

My phone lives on my night stand right next to my head during the night as I don't have a land line and if anyone needs to call me in an emergency situation that is the only way to contact me. When my text noise went off at 3:30, I sat straight up thinking my alarm was going off and did I forget I was teaching at 6:00.  

Scott: "Does she think you are always awake at 3:30?"

Me: "I think she thinks my sound is off or the phone is downstairs or maybe she thinks I started that wine sipping thing and am passed out and won't hear it."

So today I text back:

Me: "Thx. BTW, your 3:30 a.m. text woke me up. 2 thumbs down."

Mom: "Noooo. Why is your sound not off at night?"

And there you have it. 

Now if I could just get Alanis' "Isn't ironic" out of my head...

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