Which part of "Hug & Go" do you not understand?

Lady in the maroon Escalade who parked your ginormous gas guzzler at the ass end of the drop off lane by the Kindergarten rooms for a good 5 minutes whilst dicking around in your vehicle and not dropping off a Kindergartener and then finally pulling through to the front of the line past all the empty curb space you had been ignoring to drop off a 5th grader, I am talking to you!

Seriously! What. The. Fuck? 

Drop off/pick up at my kids' school is a nightmare. My kids make fun of me, because from the safety and comfort of my own car I spend every morning explaining to the other parents how to use the drop off lane effectively and efficiently. The other parents can't hear me of course, but even if they could it wouldn't matter, because people are asshats.

The school does a good job of trying to make things run smoothly. There are 2 lanes running the same direction through the parking lot. The one next to the curb is for stopping and dropping off the students. "Hug & Go" people. It's on all the signs! The other lane is for getting the hell outta there. After dropping your precious bundles off, you should pull into the outer lane and exit the parking lot. Simple, yes? Apparently not. 

The Principal and/or a teacher as well as students in bright orange vest are along the curb encouraging people to pull all the way through to keep the traffic flowing, yet people still stop at the back end to let out their Kinders jamming up the line into the street rather than pulling through to the farthest available curb space. It's an extra maybe 30 feet for the kid to walk back. If you are concerned that your kid might wander in the wrong direction and you need a visual of them walking in their classroom, might I suggest parking, getting your ass out of the car and walking them in. The best is when people park their car in the drop off lane and proceed to get out of their car with the kid to walk them to class. 

It would be easier on the blood pressure to park on the street, get out and walk the kids in, but Kindergarten starts at 7:40 in the a.m. and I much prefer to roll through the drop off lane in my pajamas. 

This morning, while I spent an eternity wedged between the nonmoving Caddy & some poor innocent parent behind me practically on my bumper just trying to get out of the street and into the drop off lane, I came oh so close to taking my sage advice out of my car and directly to the woman in the Escalade so clearly in need of my assistance. I considered laying on my horn and decided that would be pretty obnoxious and then I contemplated getting out of my car, knocking on her window and imparting my wisdom upon her. 2 things stopped me. 

1. I would be setting a terrible example leaving my car parked in the drop off lane during "hug & go" time.

&

2. I was in my robe.

Peace, love & deep breaths ;-)

I Could Cut A Bitch

I am so fucking crabby today for no actual reason that I can pin point. I have had some idiocy and annoyances cross my path today, but no more so than most other days. It's the kind of crabby, bitchy if you will, that you feel more in your loins than in your head. It rises up through your chest and tries to escape out of your mouth and you have to choke it back. You have to repeat things in your head like "chill out", "don't react", "take a breath", "you are bitchy for no reason", and "DO NOT REACT!". While the likelihood that other people are being douches is high, your normal ability to deal with such douchery is replaced by the urge to freak the fuck out. 


DO NOT SAY IT! DON'T EVEN THINK IT! I am absolutely not on/about to get my period. That is such a cliched, bull shit, male-centric thinking. I expect better of you people, dammit! I know that I'm not about to bleed out, because I don't even get periods anymore. So there! Thanks to my Mirena baby IUD, which by the way is better than sliced bread. I'd slice my own bread for eternity rather than bleed and cramp for 1 out of every 4 weeks. Hands down. No contest. 


The crabbiness as it were started this morning at 5 a.m. when I was actually sleeping and was awoken mid-dream by Scott telling me that the girl had been in the shower since 4 a.m. What the fuck man? I don't care! I'm asleep! 


My irritation continued to fester during Kindergarten centers (5 & 6 year olds are so self-centered), it started escaping during a draining game of Qwirkle (more 6 year old fun), and it came spilling out during the girl's baton "practice time" (you can make special arrangements and you can lead a twirler to the gym, but you can't make them have a productive practice). 


I possibly over-reacted a bit both during the Qwirkle and the baton. Is it bad parenting to tell your 6 year old you're not going to play games with him anymore if he keeps peeking at your tiles and that it's bad strategy to keep turning in all your tiles when you clearly have moves you could make and to hurry it up already? What about if instead of the normal yelling that falls on deaf ears, you just sigh and exhibit disappointment and hurt that your tired child who is on her 4th day in a row of baton practice isn't giving 110%? 


It's still January and I may already be out of the running for Mother of the Year. Bollocks.


Did I mention that, because apparently I've been bad and karma wants a good laugh, Scott, who almost never works late, is working late tonight so it's just me and my rapscallions my lovely offspring till bedtime and beyond? 


I may or may not have come home and started eating powdered chocolate frosting mix with a spoon. 


I may or may not be considering starting dinner early so I can open wine to use in a sauce and then pour myself a glass. It's common knowledge that once you start preparing dinner, it's okay to have a drink. What? Just in my family, then?


To be fair, even though I don't ovulate or cleanse my uterus, I do notice I still have some occasional hormone and mood issues. So, that actually probably could be the issue. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to jump down your throat? I apologize. 


I would go apologize to the kids, but they are separated and in time-outs for a very legitimate reason I assure you.


peace & love :-)

Conversations with Myself... I'm not a spy.

Me: You've been lagging on the posting again.


Myself: So.


Me: It's been 12 days.


Myself: Your the only one who's counting.


Me: What about all your fans?


Myself: Yeah, Mom is probably very sad.


Me: Other people besides Mom read the blog.


Myself: Right. I do have 10s of fans. There's Sharpie Fine Girl, a few other peeps, and some "blogging friends". Also there is a person or persons who regularly read in Russia.


Me: Um, yeah, how did you get Russian fans?


Myself: I have no fucking idea, but it's kinda cool. I hope they aren't KGB spying on me.


Me: A) The cold war is over. B) Why would anyone want to spy on you? C) If they were spies don't you think they could cover their internet tracks better than that? & 4) According to wikipedia, the KGB was only in operation in Russian until 1991.


Myself: A) I know. B) I have the perfect wife/mother/suburban cover. I could be a bad ass spy. C) Good point. & 4) That's what they want you to think!


Me: You would make a shitty spy. 


Myself: Not true.


Me: You don't know any foreign languages, you don't know how to handle firearms, you have a problem staying awake past 9pm...


Myself: Wait. What? What does staying up late have to do with being a spy. Can't I do my spying during the day?


Me: Spies sometimes have to have meetings late at night or go under cover in a casino.


Myself: Casinos are totally open 24 hours a day. Duh.


Me: What about the language and gun things.


Myself: Learning a foreign language would be my limiting factor. I could spy in Canada or England maybe. I might be able to do accents. When I was 12 and went to Space Camp in Alabama for a week, I came home with a southern accent that took me a month to shake. 


Me: I don't think there's a need for spies in Alabama.


Myself: That's what they want you to think!


Me: And the guns?


Myself: While I have no current interest in arming myself, if I were going to be a spy I would learn how to use a gun and I would be bad ass at it. 


Me: This is ridiculous! You've watched too much Homeland.


Myself: Don't forget Pan Am. They have those Stewardess Spies. 






peace & love ;-).

Preaching To The Choir / Tips For Drinking Wine & Coffee On The Go

A lovely post entitled The Uppers & Downers of Parenting (Or, Coffee & Wine) by Amber Dusick was brought to my attention yesterday by several sources. It's quite funny as it's so true and I found myself nodding and saying 'yep' in between chuckles. I was reminded of the post this morning while admiring the Keurig Coffee Maker the kids and I got Scott for his birthday. Here it is with the kick ass wine opener I recently got for my birthday. Who knew kitchen appliances could look so sleek and sexy? Can you hear them saying 'come hither'? I can.

Coffee and wine are staples for Scott and I. If we are going on a trip, the availability of good coffee and wine at our destination is of much discussion (good wine being defined by: do we like it? we don't know jack about the actual quality of wine, we are actually pickier about the coffee than the wine). If we don't think the quality and quantity will be adequate upon arrival, then we bring it with us. We have been known to grind and bag coffee to bring to people's houses (not if we are going for dinner, but when we are staying overnight and have any reason to believe that it's even slightly possibility the coffee situation will be less than optimal). Better safe than sorry. 


While the pre-measured and ground baggies of coffee have the potential to offend, I care not. On the other hand, showing up to someone's house with wine is perfectly acceptable and appreciated so no problem there. I suppose some people might be offended like Mormons or alcoholics, but it's not like I would expect them to drink any with me.


When checking into a hotel, it is imperative to familiarize oneself with the location of the nearest Starbucks. I will drink what is in the hotel room usually putting both the packet of regular and of decaf in the mini coffee maker at the same time in an effort to make the coffee bold enough to drink, but that's only useful as a stop gap measure until real coffee can be acquired. Usually it's good to bring your own bottle of wine to the hotel especially if you'll be staying on the property or are in a walking/taxi type city. Don't forget your opener.


When going on a cruise, check the cruise line's official alcohol policy and then check cruise message boards to see how much and of what type of alcohol people are actually bringing on board with them. Bringing bottles of wine and/or vodka in your camelback (looks like water) go a long way towards taking the sting out of your bar bill at the end of the voyage. Again, don't forget your opener. The coffee situation on a cruise ship can be worrisome. It seems that most ships now have a fancy pay extra for coffee shop area. On our last cruise we bought the coffee package and had punch cards. Well worth it.


When going to your in-laws for a week where you MIL drinks decaf and your FIL doesn't drink coffee, BRING the baggies of coffee. Also, prior to departure determine the location of the nearest Trader Joe's to your in-laws home for wine purchases. If the nearest TJ's is not so near, it's best to stock up and bring it with you. You don't want to be rude and drain their supply.


If you are arriving at a lake cabin shared by a wide array of family members, do not assume that the coffee grinder you clearly remember leaving on the counter the summer before will still be there. Waking up to find that you have a coffee maker and coffee beans, but no grinder and you are 30+ minutes away from a Starbucks or a retail establishment that might have a grinder they are willing to sell you is a real pisser. Trust me on this.


When choosing a hotel to book for a week for your child's sporting event across the country that you must fly to and where you may or may not have a rental car and access to purchasing wine and an opener for your room, do be swayed by the afternoon snack & drink spread (including wine) in the lobby of only one of the possible hotels and book there. This may allow you to cling to your sanity. 


You're welcome.


Peace & Love ;-)

No...Wire...Hangers!

While I was with the girl at her activity yesterday afternoon, Scott and the boy ran a couple errands including going to the market. 


Greatly appreciated. 


BUT, when I got home and walked into the pantry, I saw... brace yourself... BOXES ON THE SHELVES. Multiple boxes of cereal and granola bar boxes. WTF dude?!? 


Boxes of food in the pantry is normal you say? Not in my pantry. Not anymore. Not since the the Great Pantry Moth Invasion and War of 2011 which you can read about here. I have officially declared Victory in the war, but I will remain forever vigilant. I will not go back to non-sealable containers, bag clips or boxes sitting on the shelves. Boxes may seem innocent, but they are in fact very good hiding places for pupae containing cocoons. Not gonna do it. Would not be prudent. Everything goes into clear sealable containers or thick Ziploc bags. EVERYTHING!


So upon spying the boxes I say very lightheartedly: "You guys broke the pantry rule. There are boxes on the shelves." 


The boy then says: "We know, but we didn't know how you'd want it done so we left the boxes for you."


Six! The boy is six. Oy!


What I then did was repackage the food appropriately without comment, but what was going on in my head was a full on Mommie Dearest style rant.


NO...MORE...BOXES...IN...THE...PANTRY...EVER!


Peace & Love ;-)

Conversations with Myself...Meh

Me: You haven't posted anything on your blog in a while.


Myself: Meh...


Me: Are you too busy?


Myself: Always busy, but that ain't it.


Me: Don't you have anything interesting or amusing to say? Some smart-ass thought that you can spin into a few paragraphs?


Myself: Meh...


Me: Don't you have any backasswards New Year's Resolutions to share?


Myself: If I read one more fucking blog post about New Year's Resolutions I'm going to stab a fork in my eye.


Me: Okay, not that then. Something about Wine?


Myself: I heart wine.


Me: Perhaps expand on that.


Myself: I REALLY heart wine and my new wine opener, wine glasses and awesome Wine Fairy painting that Sharpie Fine Girl painted just for me. Also, I need to get myself a vacuum wine sealer thingy cuz no one got me that. That is all. 


Me: A little rough, but you might could do something with that.


Myself: Meh...


Me: What about your new magnifying mirror and the hairy lip cream/waxing journey?


Myself: I have been toying with that one.


Me: I think you might have something there. Maybe go with that.


Myself: I did consider filming my home waxing for a video blog, but didn't. 


Me: What about that Pantry Moth War Victory post that you started?


Myself: Yeah, I should get back to that.


Me: Sounds like you've got some possibilities. I say pour yourself a glass of wine, stand in the moth free pantry for a bit and then go stare at your magnified and lit up face and see what kind of brilliance strikes.


Myself: Meh... I guess a glass of wine couldn't hurt. 


Peace & Love :-)

Love it! Want it! Need it!

The other night some friends and I went to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I've read the book and knew we were in for some dark and heavy stuff. The movie was well done and fairly true to the book though I think I would have been lost in places if I had not read the book. Lucky for you, I'm not confused enough to think I'm a movie reviewer and that's not what this post is about. 


This post is about the most fabulous t-shirt I've ever seen worn by Lisbeth Salander in the movie that said:

I couldn't find an image of her in it from the movie, but I did find it for sale on the interweb and you can buy it here.


If you haven't read the book or seen the movie then you don't know that this girl has had a very rough go in life and this is the perfect shirt for her. Just perfect! My first reaction when I saw her in it was to laugh. It was a rare moment of levity in this heavy story. 


My second reaction was to turn to my friend and say, "Is it too late for me to put that on my Xmas list?!!" 


I heart this shirt! It speaks to me. 


Why am I coveting this? 


I have had some bummer things happen in my life, but nothing approaching the Lisbeth character's woes. So it's not that. 


It's not appropriate to cruise around town in. Not exactly the right thing for school pick up. I can't even wear it around my house as my children can read. It's not like they've never heard that word come flying out of my mouth, but this would be a bit in their face. So it's not that.


I do really love the word fuck. It's all purpose. I can use it as any part of speech. It can be used for good or evil. So I guess that's part of it. 


But also, even though that's not what's in my head most of the time, there are definitely times it's flashing in there fast and furious. Wouldn't it be nice when faced with a person of an assholish nature to just point at your awesome t-shirt and smile? Yep, that's it. 


I think what I'm going to do is order several of the shirts in an extra small and modify them into tank tops which I can then wear as undershirts. That way on any given day I'll be ready to strip down, point, and smile.


peace & love :-)

No Holiday Card For You!

3 years ago I stopped sending Christmas cards. We were in the midst of upheaval and transition and sacrifices had to be made. Those cards were the first thing to take a hit. BIG time and money saver. I originally thought that it would be a 1 year card hiatus, but I have not be inspired to go back to my old ways. I post a picture and a message on facebook where I am connected to most of the people I would send cards to and my mom puts my whole family on her card so all the relatives can see just how adorable my kids are. All bases covered.

This year though after my mom put together her card, I almost wanted to send one of my own. She has a card with a group picture that includes my family of 4, my siblings and my parents. She lists our names and a very brief description, i.e. Scott (CEO), brother #2 (substitute teacher), etc. It's a lovely card. 

Some of us thought she should use some other descriptions. Brother #2 requested to be listed as "nomad" which is as true as the substitute teacher thing and Scott had a different suggestion which means basically the same as CEO, but much funnier. 

Mom wasn't having any of our tomfoolery and sent out her appropriate, normal version of the card. Thus, leaving me with the urge to do an alternate one. As I didn't really want to go through the hassle and expense of doing an actual card, I'm doing it here:

Lil Tirade (Bon Bon Eater)
Scott (HMFIC)
The Girl (Professional Eye Roller)
 The Boy (Furniture Stuntman)
 Sugar (most ironically named cat ever- she will cut a bitch!)
Barley (his New Year's resolution is to become fatter than Garfield)
Z (professional attention seeker [family dog. not pictured as she's on vacation at my parents again])

Merry Festivus!

peace & love :-)

p.s. Thanks to my family for donning disguises and posing in front of the tree at 6:30 yesterday morning, after I came bounding down the stairs shouting, "I have a really funny idea!" I may also have said something like, "I'm turning 40 in a couple days. Humor me!" 

The girl did point out the irony of posing for a picture for a blog she's not allowed to read. Maybe I'll let her read this post. It's pretty tame. Well, except for her father being the HMFIC. Never mind.

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

18 days until Christmas. 


It's crunch time people. 


The convergence of holidays and birthdays makes the end of October through mid January the busiest chunk of the year at my house, but like lots of folks Thanksgiving thru Xmas is a marathon that feels like a sprint. We have the usual stuff plus my birthday (7 more days in my 30s) and the boy's birthday plus 3 extended family birthdays.


I've started shopping, we have the tree and the tree is decorated as is the interior of the house.


So all I have left to do in the next 17 days is: 


Finish shopping, start wrapping, finish wrapping, deliver gift tree gifts, get pap smear and mammogram, bake cupcakes for the boy's birthday at school, hang the outside lights, get the girl to volleyball, attend school holiday dine out, get the girl to baton, get the girl to a lacrosse clinic, bake a rum cake, go to holiday party, get the boy to basketball, drive around pointing and ohhing at other people's lights, find someone to switch classroom workdays for the boy's classroom so I can go on the girl's field trip, go on field trip, attend the girl's band concert, get hair cut and colored, have birthday dinner with friends, celebrate festivus (When is festivus again? I don't want to miss the airing of grievances. I wonder where I put that pole?), attend neighborhood Santa Parade, help the girl finish her sewing projects for her friend gift exchange, send books with the kids for their holiday book exchanges, turn 40, go to the City for my birthday, shop with Mom & sister & the girl for said birthday, have birthday dinner with Dad, more baton, more basketball, celebrate the boy's birthday, go to cookie party, bake more cupcakes for the boy's birthday party, have seven 5/6 y/o boys over for the boy's pirate birthday party, bake 2 more rum cakes, pack car, go to parents house on Xmas eve, and stay up after kids to fill stockings and put out Santa gifts. 


All that while still doing the 2 part time jobs, the laundry, the cleaning, the lunch making and on and on.


Your list is probably similar.


We're nuts, right?


Every fucking year I am in this predicament. A bunch of wonderful individual events slammed together in a few short weeks.


But, what's a super mom to do? Cancel Xmas? Hell no! This super mom is going to bitch a bit on her blog, pour some wine and soldier on. I'm the mom and that's my job. 


A few years ago we went to the Caribbean for Xmas which was fanfuckingtastic and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Seriously. Are you reading this Scott? Make the reservations! But, it didn't get me out of getting a tree, decorating the house and shopping for Xmas gifts that could be easily schlepped in a suitcase. We didn't leave until the 21st so perhaps that was the flaw in the plan. Maybe if we leave earlier we could skip the normal holiday trappings. So, the day after Thanksgiving thru New Years next year in the Caribbean it is! Solid plan! I'm all in. Scott? 


Happy Fucking Holidays! xoxo


peace & love :-)!


p.s. As I was editing this:


Scott: I have to figure out if I'm getting gifts for anyone in the office.


Me: Don't add it to my list!


Scott: Okay.


Me: Go ahead and do it if you want, but leave me the fuck out of it. Remember last year, when I made all those mini rum cakes at the last minute after running all over town searching for the pans? That nearly drove me over the edge!


Scott: But now we have the pans (giant idiot grin).


BAH!!

Dearest Sleep Fairy....

Dearest Sleep Fairy (or do you prefer Goddess of Sleep?),


Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are the best! I had no idea you were listening last night when Scott and I were bitching about our sleep issues. You are a really careful listener, aren't you? When I told Scott that I would gladly wake up at 5 a.m., if I could just get through the 3 a.m. & 4 a.m. hours sans tossing and turning and crazy list making and worry, I did mean it. So again, I thank you for making my sleep dreams come true. I slept like a rock through the wee hours of the morning and my eyes popped open at exactly 5:00 a.m. today. Very impressive. 


At the risk of sounding like an ingrate, I would like to amend my 'dream of sleep statement' to say, "I would gladly wake up at 6 a.m., 7 a.m. on the weekends, if I could just get through the early morning hours in a deep unfettered sleep." I fear it's too much to ask and that I'm being greedy, but I cannot stop myself from submitting the request. 


If you can see it in your heart to do this for me, I won't bother you anymore. You can even stop dropping by my house and checking in. I'll be set, the kids have years of magical kid sleep left and Scott's on his own here. He's an adult, he'll have to figure out how to communicate with you directly. This is about me. 


Plus, I might still be holding a tiny grudge from when the kids were babies and waking up multiple times during the night to nurse. The man would sleep through all the various baby disruptions (that were for the most part going on in his bed as we co-slept with each baby) and then ask me in the morning "how was your night?" landing me somewhere between extreme bitterness and murderous rage depending on the day.


I sincerely hope that my longing for sweet heavy slumber hasn't resulted in your annoyance, umbrage, ire or any other type of displeasure. If the 6 a.m., 7  a.m. on weekends, thing is too much, I'll happily stick with the 5 a.m. wake-up. Just please, please, please don't send me back to see 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. I've tried breaking up with 4 a.m. myself and that jackass refuses to take a hint.


Finally, if you see fit to grant my humble request, I'll have your back. Anytime. Anywhere. Just tell me what you need and it's done. As long as it's not illegal. I'm sure I wouldn't sleep well in prison and then all of it would have been for naught. 


XOXO ~LT

I broke the computer again... maybe.

I have a variety of issues with my MacBook that I could regale you with, but the most pressing issue and the one you will undoubtably be most riveted by, is that it is currently having to restore itself from a time machine back-up. The back-up is from this morning so theoretically all my precious pictures and documents will reappear as they were, but I am suspicious of this as computers (even Apple ones) can be assholes.

Here's the deal: I just want my MacBook software to be upgraded so it can commune with the iCloud. I don't even know what the benefit of the upgrade is other than the iCloud thing. I want this because Apple told me I do with their super cool ads showing how one can buy a song on iTunes on one's iPhone and said song magically appears from the ether on one's iPad AND on their Mac. No cords involved. Magic!

The iPhone and the iPad are already performing this magic act on command for my amusement as well as obviously increasing productivity and efficiency in all aspects of my life. I just want the MacBook to fall in line and dance when I say dance. Simple.

Apparently I'm 2 upgrades behind. My friendly applista told me that I needed to buy 2 sets of software to do the 2 upgrades- no skipping ahead. That sounded stupid and expensive to me. This guy I know that gets paid to be an IT guy told me I could possibly skip ahead to the 2nd upgrade without doing the first. Much better answer! I was able to obtain some discs and a stick thing to do the upgrades.

Of course I tried skipping ahead. Duh! Why do 2 things when there's a chance you only have to do 1? It turns out I now have to do a minimum of 3 steps, but there I go skipping ahead again.

Sooo, I diligently backed up the computer and then proceeded to plug the stick thing in the USB port and hold down C during the restart, because that's what the directions said to do and waited to be dazzled by the magic. That's not, however, exactly what transpired.

As it turns out, the skipping ahead appears to have been the incorrect approach. Not only did I get a message saying the software couldn't be loaded, but apparently it wiped my stuff out as it directed me to choose my back up source to restore the hard drive. I did and in just 7 hours I'll know if it worked. Sheisse.

peace & love ;-).

All Aboard...

I have a confession. I'm the teeny tiniest bit OCD about my house. It's not that my house is spotless all the time, but I really do enjoy a picked up non-cluttered living space. I have 2 kids, a husband, pets and a life so the house isn't always picked up, but most people who come to my house don't believe that. It's true that 99% of the time if you come to my house it's totally picked up. But here's the thing, 99% of the time I KNOW YOUR COMING and I've just spent the last 5-10 minutes as a whirling dervish cleaning up the house. It makes me tachycardic and fidgety to let someone in the door when there are shoes, blankets and pillows strewn about the floor and there are dishes on the counter. 


Leaving the house for a vacation ramps up my issues. I cannot bear the thought of coming home to a cluttered or dirty house. Not only do I need the house picked up, but I need it cleaned toilets and all. The instant clutter created by returning home from vacation and having the entire contents of the car deposited in the hallway is bad enough, but adding a floor that needs vacuuming or a toilet that needs scrubbing to the homecoming will drive me right over the edge.


I have several friends that share my need to come home to a clean house after vacation. So whether or not most people would consider this normal at least I'm not alone. 


However, the second and possibly nowhere in the neighborhood of normal part of me not wanting to embark on a vacation with a dirty house is... what if due to a horrible accident, I die on vacation and then whoever has to deal with my house after I'm dead walks in on a dirty mess? After one of my friends told me she literally vacuums her way out of the house when leaving for vacation, I felt safe enough to share this with her and she looked at me like I just went off the rails of Ozzy's Crazy Train. Feel free to twirl your finger around by your ear and point at your screen.


I'm completely aware that this is not a rational line of thinking. If I'm dead and Scott and the kids are not, then I'm pretty sure he's not going to notice if the house needs cleaning. He doesn't notice now so why would that change? Plus, obviously, he would be too bereft to care. Ditto with my parents. I don't really know who I think is going to come into my house and start trashing a dead woman for her housekeeping skills or lack thereof. It is incredibly rude to speak ill of the dead after all. Not to mention in this scenario I'm dead and I would not even be capable of caring what people thought about me. I don't much care what people think now, except that I don't want you to think my house is dirty. Which leads us back to square one. 


I know. I know. Cuckcoo! 


While I'd love to take a good hard look at my neurosis with you here, we are leaving tomorrow for a week and I've got some cleaning to do.


Peace & Love :-)

iExcess? nah... iBliss

WARNING: If you aren't an iPhone/iPad user some of this may be Greek to you. It's not as though it's a geek out, because I think true Apple geeks know the technical names for stuff, but nonetheless it is a lot of iStuff rambling.


Last week Scott and I both got the newest iPhone, the 4s. We were going to order them for Christmas, but were more than willing to use the wacky behavior of my 3G as an excuse for Christmas to come early. Scott allegedly actually thought he was reserving one just for me, but then the reservation confirmation looked like there might possibly be 2 under my name at the Apple store so he took time from his busy schedule to show up at the Apple store the next day just in case we had 2 waiting and lo and behold.... 2 pearly white 4s iPhones awaited us. It would have been madness for him to let this fortuitous opportunity pass him by. A slap in the face to karma really, so he went ahead and got one too. 


As predicted, I love love love my 4s. 3G who? The 4s has many a cool feature like Siri, video, a flash, a pull down summary thingy screen, subtle alerts across the top, wallpaper on the home screen, the ability to have multiple apps running at one time, etc., but the bestest thing is how fast it is compared to the 3G. I don't know how much cooler it is than the 3Gs or the 4 cuz I never had those, but it kicks the ass of the 3G. 


Scott was initially smitten, but his 4s has done some weird stuff with his car blue tooth and with group iMessaging and he began to feel a little grumbly towards it. 


I don't know if iMessaging is new with the ios 5 upgrade or if it was previously on the 4 or what, but we didn't know what the hell it was. Apparently it's text messaging between iPhone users that doesn't count against your number of texts, which is actually very helpful to someone still on the 200 texts for $5 plan like us, but it's in the regular texting spot. The phone just knows if the device you're texting to is iMessage capable which totally weirds me out. 


Anyway... when Scott texted me it came through as an iMessage, but said it was from me not him. Zoinks! I didn't know one could text themselves. That's totally going to be my new go to line when I'm pissed, "Go text yourself!". Then he texts a friend that apparently also has iMessaging who says the text looks like it's coming from my email and when he texts back it goes to both Scott and my phones. WTF man? So it seems you can do group iMessaging which is fine, but Scott's phone somehow had my info in it. Maybe it has to do with the iCloud except we did set up different iCloud accounts. 


iPhone.


iMessage.


iCloud.


iDon'tKnow!


Despite a few hiccups, I think Scott, who not only had just the 3G, but was so many updates behind that he couldn't text pictures or organize apps into groups (I wonder how he even got through the day?) is pretty pleased with his upgrade.


Our 5 y/o is thrilled because he now has my old 3G to use as an iTouch. He doesn't even care that the volume button is long gone and you have to stick your nail in there to adjust it or that the screen shut off button works on it's own terms or that the apps run kinda slow. He only cares that he has his own iThing as his sister has had an iTouch for 2 years and sometimes she would let him touch it, but only briefly and in a super controlling way. He now has his apps organized to his satisfaction and has his own music. He is working on a hip hop routine to the theme from Ghostbusters (legendary hip hop tune that it is) and knows how to make the song loop over and over and over and over again which is hell awesome. 


Our family of 4 now has a MacBook, an iPad2, 2 iPhone 4s', 1 iTouch, 1 3G masquerading as an iTouch and 1 unused/being saved as a back up 3G.  I think it's safe to say we are an Apple family. We drank the Kool-Aid. Excessive you say? Nah, we could actually use a second iPad2 and Scott also thinks we need Apple TV... whatever that is.


Peace & Love :-)

My iPhone __________ (fill in the blank)

a) is punking me.


b) has dementia.


c) is an asshole.


d) a & c


e) all of the above.


The answer is either b or d. I'm leaning towards d.


I have an iPhone 3G. Not a 3Gs. Just the 3G. It is 3 years old and has been used and abused. I really should be grateful for it's faithful service lo these many months, but it's really starting to piss me off.


Scott & I have been discussing giving each other the 4s for Xmas. I think my 3G knows it's time is limited and is not going quietly. For months the battery situation has been ridiculous and the opening of the scrabble app is as slow as my tween in the shower. Annoying, but I've been dealing. 


Recently the screen shut off button thing works only when it fucking feels like it, aka intermittently. I prefer to leave the auto screen shut off set to 'never' so that my screen doesn't go dark while I'm teaching xbike. If one forgets/can't get the stupid button to work and the screen stays lit, the already problematic battery life is shortened. So now to preserve the battery I turned on the auto shut off and I have to go in and change the settings before I teach. It's only a matter of time until I forget and my screen goes dark a minute into class. Man am I gonna be peeved.


Yesterday, my iPhone did not reset itself when the time changed. It's managed to reset itself every other time change over the last 3 years, but not this one. Scott's 3G did it. The iPad did it. The MacBook did it. Not my 3G. I had to go into settings and shut off the 'set time automatically' option and choose my time zone. Then when I attempted to shut down the phone to try and reset it, it would not shut down. 


Today I noticed that everything in my iCal on the iPhone was an hour off. EVERYTHING. The iCal on the MacBook is correct (as is the time). I tried syncing the iPhone and MacBook, but the iPhone calendar was still wrong and the MacBook still right. I went into settings thinking I would wipe out the iPhone calendar and re-sync and found that the calendar time zone was set to Denver. Denver? I do not nor have I ever lived in Denver and neither has my iPhone. When I choose the correct time zone, the calendar was fixed. Viola.


It's not an exaggeration to say that I love my iPhone. Not in the way I love Scott and the kids, but almost. Almost. However, the time for saying goodbye is near. I, no doubt, will be dazzled by my new 4s and easily transfer my love for the 3G to the 4s. The feelings may be even more intense, but I will never forget you 3G. You were my first iPhone. You never forget your first...


Peace & Love :-)

Conversations with Scott: "You're Screwed"

Last night after dinner I asked my kids if I could have a piece of their Halloween haul. I only asked because they were home and could see me. I had been pilfering their candy all day while they were at school. After I was unsuccessful in totally avoiding the candy, I gave in to it completely as goes my relationship with sweets. All or nothing baby.


The kids left the room and Scott and I were rooting through their buckets to see what pieces we wanted:


Me: (whispering) "You won't find any peanut butter cups cuz I already inhaled those". 


Scott: hysterical laughing


Me: "What?"


Scott: "You can be so disciplined. You just had your chicken burger without bread at dinner, but put you within a 1/4 mile of a candy bar and you're screwed!"


Me: "Tru dat."




The man speaks the truth. Hello, my name is Lil Tirade, and I'm addicted to sugar. I do not have a true grasp on the terms "just one cookie", "a small slice of cake", "a piece of candy" or "I'll just have a couple bites of yours." I can utter the words and know when it's appropriate to say them, but they don't actually make sense to me. No bites is way easier than one bite. 


Yesterday was a sugar day. Today, so far, is not. One day at a time.




Peace & Love :-)

You Look Tired

It's time to face facts. I need eye cream. Specifically the get rid of dark circles and reduce puffiness kind. Consider the evidence:

• In the only recent pictures I like of myself I'm wearing sunglasses.
• I never actually got sick that time I was so happy to blame my dark circles on illness.
• I've started using concealer under my eyes before going to the gym to teach whether the class is at 6 a.m. or 6 p.m.
• I've started using concealer under my eyes after evening showers even if I'll be home and only be up for short time before going to bed.
• There's been a recent run on the "you look tired" comments in my direction. I am tired a lot of the time, but not more so than I've generally been for the last 11 years.
• I've been scaring the hell out of myself in the mirror with alarming frequency. 

I finally broke the cycle of denial and googled "dark circles under eyes" and wowwie wow wow there is a veritable cornucopia of information. The bad news is my dark circles and puffiness seem likely related to age and loss of collagen or something like that. The good news is that there's no shortage of products for me to throw my $ at and hope they help. There's a lot of really expensive products available and a lot of testimonials to go with them. I will shell out more than seems reasonable for something that works, but am not sure how to determine what will work for me without actually trying the creams. Catch 22, no? 

I clicked some links. I read some reviews. I searched through my drawers and came up with a few tiny sample size eye creams which I promptly slathered under my eyes. Then I went to Target and got Olay Definity Eye Illuminator. It was $23 for .5 FL OZ which is pretty cheap for an eye cream with good reviews as far as I can tell. I'll let you know what I think of it. Unfortunately, I believe it is supposed to take a couple weeks of use before seeing results. You'll be shocked to know, patience is not my strong suit. 


If I don't see results, I will have Scott research what I should use. While he doesn't know bupkis about beauty products, he can research the hell out of anything. He will check endless websites, reviews and message boards. It's a fact that I'll look at a couple of choices (or only one if it's truly fabulous and I know I need it) and make a decision. Scott will look at every choice imaginable, weigh all the options, discuss all the options with whomever will feign interest and then finally make a choice. Eye cream research might not be as exciting as TV, phone, car or vacation research, but I'm sure he'd do it if I asked. Cause he loves me and I did just write that post about how awesome he is and he wouldn't want to sully his image on my blog. 


Peace & Love :-)

My Scott Is An Awesome Scott

This morning as he's getting ready for work:


Scott: "Is there a pile of clean underwear hiding somewhere?"


Me: (Seriously contemplating if there could possibly be a pile of his clean underwear somewhere as on occasion clean clothes live in baskets in the laundry room for days on end.) "I don't think so. I remember feeling so proud that I finally got all the clean clothes put away yesterday." 


Scott: "This is my last pair."


Me: "Well I guess I'll either do laundry today or buy you some new ones."


Scott: "Fair enough."


How awesome is that? Seriously! It didn't even seem like he was trying to stifle the urge to say "What is it you do all day while I'm at work and the kids are at school?" He has never once said anything of the sort. 


While at times over the years, I've felt frustrated that he doesn't lavish compliments on me, I will say his easy going personality and ability to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff is really really fantastic. I've given him ample opportunities to demonstrate frustration and overreact, but I can't remember him taking one. Not that we've never fought, just not about me being a bone head.


Like the time I dropped the lap top and he didn't say out loud what an idiot I was. He laughed, got me us an iPad, and got the laptop fixed.

Then there was the time I booked our vacation for the wrong week and he laughed and poured me another glass of wine. 

Additionally there was the time 13 years ago when I knocked the side mirror off the car as I backed out of my own garage. He laughed then too. Although, I believe he called me a dumb ass while he was laughing. That was less awesome. I think replacing the dumb ass comment with the glass of wine was a move in the right direction.

Also, there was the time when our youngest was 3 months old and we were flying to Mexico on a 6 a.m. flight. We had been dropped off at the airport and I only brought a photocopy of the baby's birth certificate (this was before a passport was required to go to Mexico) instead of a certified copy. I distinctly remember choosing to bring the photocopy so that there was no danger of losing the certified copy. Very flawed logic. A mother with a 3 month old probably shouldn't be allowed to make important decisions like that. They weren't going to let us on the plane. Meanwhile our then 5 y/o started puking. I was ready to lose my shit and Scott calmly worked with the airline people to call a notary to rush to the airport to notarize the photocopied birth certificate and we made the flight. I don't think either of us was laughing until the next day over margaritas, but he never so much as gave me a dirty look about my potentially disastrous blunder.

I'm not really a big hot mess, I just play one here on the blog for your amusement. I'm actually rather competent. Too competent in fact. I really need to stop it. It leads to people asking me to do stuff and high expectations. 



Peace & Love :-)

My Dog Is An Awesome Dog

The other day I mentioned here that my dog, Z, eats cat shit. True story. My mother who, as I eluded to here (see #20) and here (see Turkey section), LOVES LOVES LOVES my dog texted me the following in response:


Mom: "I believe ur last tirade crossed the line of respect regarding Z and ur characterization of her habits (not wine choices) was distasteful"


Me: "I'm pretty sure it's not defamation of character if it's true, but I'll check with my attorney. It does sound a little like you're building a custody case so I probably should contact said attorney in any case."


Mom: "All in jest re: Z"


I totally scared her into backing off with that attorney talk. She doesn't want to lose access to the dog or probably the kids, but the while the kids have school and sports and can't hang out for weeks on end, Z is generally available for extended stays with my parents. We had dogs growing up and while they were cared for, they were not doted on. Z, however, is doted on as is her cousin G (my sister's dog). 


While it's true that Z does eat some gross stuff including cat shit and sometimes has room clearing gas, (those 2 things seem related, no?), and she is kinda a spaz on the leash, and she has chronic ear issues (not her fault) we really did luck out with her. I'm okay with dogs, but am not "a dog person". I DID NOT want a puppy. We were able to get Z from a friend of a friend when she was 4, because Z's previous owners were sadly court ordered to get rid of their dogs. Something about a dug under fence and a neighbor's dead fainting goat. I was never 100% clear on the story, but it doesn't matter. Their loss was our (and I'm including my parents and my siblings here) gain. Z is a fantastic dog. Let me count the ways:


1. She could not be sweeter with the kids.


2. She has a bladder and bowels of steel. She has never, ever had any kind of potty accident. She can be inside for 15+ hours at a time no problem.


3. She is super easy to train. I trained her to chase turkeys out of the yard and come straight back. 


4. She will accompany you wherever you'd like to go. The mailbox? The park? A ride in the car around the block? From the family room to the kitchen? Yes, please!


5. She doesn't run off. In a few isolated incidents she has been inadvertently left out and as soon as we realize it, whether it is in 5 minutes or 5 hours, we find her sitting on the front porch.

6. She will chase the ball as many times as the kids will throw it. She may be exhausted and trying to lay on the ball and hide it, but if one of the kids unearths it and throws it, she will go get it. 

7. She will run right into a creek, river or lake no matter what the temperature, but she steers clear of our pool which means no dog hair to clean out of the pool and also less wet dog smell. Awesome.

40 degree water. No problemo. 

8. She stays downstairs at night even though we are upstairs. Given an invitation she would gladly come up the stairs and get in our bed, but we don't invite her and she doesn't try to come up. 

9. She an excellent broom/mop. We don't give her people food, but she's really good at finding and taking care of spills, dribbles, and piles of crumbs. She often lays under the kids stools while they eat just waiting for the inevitable. She did a fantastic job on the wine spill in the garage. According to my mother, Z even likes coffee. Only when a few drop are accidentally splashed on the floor of course. No one would actually ever pour any extra on the floor for the dog on purpose. Allegedly. 

10. She is beautiful. She should be in commercials. It's true. I'm not just saying that because she is my dog. Just ask my mother.

She could so star in those baked bean ads.

Peace & Love :-)